Finding my 2016 Planner.

My son is almost Eight months old, he is happy, and crazy and full of giggles. He is absolutely the love of my life, and my sun rises and sets with him. 

Two years ago, I wouldn’t have been able to even imagine this life. I’m sitting in our kitchen, writing; my husband just changed our sons diaper, in the same little nursery that was meant for his sister. They are “playing” on the couch, where Matthew desperately tries to teach him how to say “Dad-Da”, which Mitchell is having none of. Two years ago, I thought the pain would never end, and that I would never ever get to feel this calmness, and happiness that my life has become.  I was lost, and most days now; I’m not. 

Today, Mitchell had a doctors appointment. It was just a booster for a vaccine that he needed, these booster appointments literally take 2 minutes, so knowing that ahead of time; I decided to pack a “mini” diaper bag so that I didn’t have to bring my giant one in. I dug through our closet to find a medium sized bag that had enough space for his formula, diapers and wipes, and a change of clothes; just incase. So the nurse made me hold him down while she gave him his shot, and after a horrific scream, and a bottle in his mouth all was fine again. So we made our way home and after putting Mitchell down for his nap; I noticed the notebook on my counter… I had pulled it out of that purse, that had been sitting - apparently for   2 years-  in my closet. 

That notebook had  been used as my planner. Each new page would be my one week spread. I wrote down everything ;  I had notes from my old job, bills that were due, things that I had bought; appointments and sticky notes everywhere. This book was packed full of information; my whole life… and in the corner of each weeks spread, was a little note at the bottom, counting down the weeks until Leeona would arrive. My work was highlighted in a certain color, and my midwives appointments highlighted in another. There were notes next to every time I paid a bill, about when and where I was when I paid it so I could remember If I needed to look back. Details, details, details. And then there is the week Leeona was born. She was due the following week. She was born on a Thursday, on Wednesday I had an appointment, with my midwifes; Pink Highlighter, and an ultrasound, also pink highlighter. Breastfeeding class on Saturday, on the sticky note (Blue highlighter, baby related, but not doctor related) . A visit to daycare to get her officially signed up, and appointment with her insurance, (both blue highlighter)  Check marks on my bills to pay; my car insurance on my new soccer mom SUV, my rent; pay an amount on my Zi Photography bill; and a check mark on picking up Matthews birthday present. 

When you turn the page there are three events.

Her Due Date, Matthews Birthday, and another ultrasound that she never made it to. 

And then their is nothing. 

There is emptiness for the next several pages. There are no check marks, and there are no sticky notes.. Theres is just emptiness, where it looks like my life just stopped; like it ended with hers. And that stuck with me as I flipped through it. The blank pages were starring back at me begging for a story to be told. So I sat here, with Mitchell now asleep in his crib, the same crib that still has residue from the decal that once read “Leeona”. And I wonder what those pages would have looked like. 

When I flipped the back of the book closed, something caught my eye. There was writing in there, that wasn’t mine. There was a list, of money that people had left for us at the hospital. A list of nurses, and their names, and what they did for me while I was there, Deb and Connie checked me in, Jen was an ICU RN that took care of me, Nichole and Michelle took care of Leeona and gave her her first bath, which just dawned on me that it was probably her only bath. Katie shared stories of her dad, and how he was taking care of her in heaven. 

When Leeona died, I lost the need to plan out my schedule. I lost the want to stay organized and control things. She threw everything out of my control. Loosing her changed everything about my life, and my plans. I quit my job, I didn’t need daycare, I didn’t need my new SUV with the carseat already strapped into the back. The only schedule that became my life, was the strict rules my body made about when  I needed to empty my Breasts of the milk that she would never need. 

She made my life unpredictable, and uncontrollable; but it got me to right here, right where I am. She threw everything I though I knew my life would be; right out the window. 

So now, I am the mother of a boy. I never got to raise my daughter. But she shows up, she pops in and reminds me of all the things that I missed, I see her in a note book, or in a purse that I’ve pulled from my closet. The pain she left behind, hasn’t left me, I’ve just found a way to live beside it. I’ve found a way to hold space for that pain, yet push on for this baby that is before me. And forever be grateful to her, for bringing him here to me.. 

****As always, Photos by Zi Photography ***