Tuesday, November 15, 2016

"It will be just like one of my sunny days " {82 days Post Partum}

"I'd like to talk to you, and Matthew, before you are discharged. I am an RN, but I'm also a grief counselor. One thing I want you both to really understand, before you go home, is that you both are going to grieve at different paces. One of you may be having a wonderful day, and thinking about the sunshine. The other one may think of the sunshine, and remember that your daughter died on a sunny day, and that is okay. You need to support each other at every level, and remember not to hold it against each other. "
     "Another thing that you will learn, unfortunately fast, and hard, is that she is the center of your world. You revolve around her. Other people do not. There lives will move on, and you WILL be left behind, and that will hurt. A lot. People will expect you to be okay, and someday's you still wont be, and as unfortunate as that may be, it's okay."
     I never ever thought that my family would be that way. I never ever thought  I would feel alone in this battle. I never thought I would hear someone say "Get over it". I understand, that they aren't reminded, every single moment, like I am. When someone says how nice it must be for me to sleep in in the mornings, I think of all the mornings that my daughter should be screaming, and waking me up. When someone says "I wish I had time to _____ all day, I'm busy chasing this one around" I think of all the time I would give up doing ____ to chase my daughter around, or change a stinky diaper. When people complain about pregnancy pains, when people complain about there child having a bad day, when people are excited their children's accomplishments, I long for every awful crying moment, and all the good ones too. I know, that these things don't make them think of my daughter, but everything in the world, reminds me of her.
      I'm never going to not think of her. I understand that it others lives move on, but I haven't.
WHOEVER you are. Don't you dare ever look me in the face and tell me to get over it. I never will. I look like I'm okay, some days. The truth is, though, is that I'm drowning more today, then the day I lost her. I'm more broken, right now, than I was a month ago. I'm a wreck. I hate being alive, I hate getting out of bed in the morning more than I ever have.
     When all of the attention is on you, it's easier to feel okay. Wahh Wahh, pitty me, because the attention isn't on me anymore, right? Yeah. You can shut up too. When someone is looking at you everyday, checking to see if you're okay. You feel like you are okay, you have that support, you know that if you need it; it's there. When that goes away though, it's so easy to feel helpless. To feel hopeless.
     The smallest things break me now. I was told today, "Oh my fuck, you have to get over it at some point " and "We can't walk on eggs shells around you forever"
     If only you knew, how much of my life, of my heart, and of my soul, is an egg shell. You're right, you don't have to. It's not your job, to take care of me, it honestly never was. I need my family to understand that I am still grieving, and I understand that that is hard. It is impossible, however, for me to deal with negativity. I am holding myself together, with the thinnest of threads, it is literally the smallest of things that tear me open.
     If you are my family member, please know, I can't. I can't deal with any of it. I want to plan this happy wedding, and I can't. I can't because my family can't set their differences aside. I can't be happy, because my daughter is dead, but today, I feel like I can't even hold myself together, because my family has given up on "walking on eggshells" I wish everyone in my family could understand, that the things you are doing to each other, make you feel a little better for two minutes, but DESTROY me, for much longer. I know I can "stay out of it" and "Quit being so dramatic" but it's impossible, for me not to feel. For me not to dread, what I've seen my family do to each other a thousand times.
     I was so afraid, of my daughter being brought into this volatile mess of a family, while I was pregnant, I am now sad, she will never see it, yet, happy she will never feel this conflicting hate... She will never be caught in the middle, like I have been, my whole life....

      My friends have their own children to focus on, my family has holidays to prepare for, they have vacations to take, and people to see. My parents have their grandbabies to spoil, and a new one to kiss, my sister has her newest little one to keep her up all night. Here I am, stuck, and focused on the baby I'll never hold again, the baby I will never hear cry, the baby everyone else lets slip there mind,  my sweet little girl, who has brought me the biggest happiness, and the deepest pain. Maybe one day, I will function, like a normal person, but today I can't. I apologize to anyone who has crushed my shells today. But I just can't cope today.
Thank you, Jody, and Matthew. For being two rocks tonight, in a bumpy sea. Thank you, for standing behind me %100. I wouldn't have survived this day with out it

4 comments:

  1. I would like to tell you Kassie that I still think of you everyday. Maybe not all the time, but just as the wind passes through your hair, your ALWAYS in my thought! It kills me to think that people would say these things.

    You are not wrong! Your learning to live a different life. I believe in time you will find your own way to honor her every moment of everyday! ❤

    I just wanted you to know that even though you do not know me that you are thought of, I am alway wishing you healing for the hurt! Time, just time. You'll never forget. You are a mom and she is with you equally as my children to me. You are a mom in a different, dare I say more honorable thing.

    Your daught saved you, she saved you for a reason. To do great things!

    Be easy on yourself and keep fighting the fight! Honor Lovey Leeona, every minute of everyday! ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

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  2. 2 sons born premature but healthy 1994/1996

    Miscarriage in 1996
    Bryan Linwood stillborn June 7, 2004
    Rebekah Jean 8/4/06 to 10/16/06.
    Miscarriage in 2008.

    You don't "just get over it".
    Smile when you can, cry when you need to and learn to tell people off in such a manner that they look forward to the trip. You are a strong woman, even if you don't feel that way. Remember your daughter grew in you, heard your heartbeat, felt your love and knew no one loved her as much as you. No one can replace her. She is watching over you now. Always love her....she will know.

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  3. Oh beautiful momma - my heart breaks for you. We don't know each other but we live in the same community and know some of the same people so of course I have heard your story. Truly not a day goes by when I don't think of you and your beautiful angel. I wonder how you manage to face each day and can't fathom the pain you must feel. Please know your daughters memory is carried on in your community, positive thoughts are sent your way daily. Don't ever feel guilty for your feelings, allow them to happen, grieve at your own pace no matter what happens with those who surrounds you. People will move on but I assure you there are people around that will walk on egg shells day in and day out to help you survive this nightmare. Never be afraid to reach out for a hand to help guide you through the darkness ♡

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