Friday, July 7, 2017

Count Your Blessings. 316 Days PP.

     When everything you have ever wanted, is taken from you, anger is the easiest emotion to feel. Jealousy of others who have what you want, pain, grief, all unavoidable. I have had to train myself to see the best, to see the silver lining.
Let me begin by saying, I would give up every good thing in my world, to let her live, however this is not an option. People also ponder if i would rather have never been pregnant, and never knew this side of pain. The answer is No. No. No.  I would rather, any day, know the love, and pain, I have for her, than to have never known her.
Every day, I have to remember to think of all the good things that her life brought to me. First of all, she has shown me my ability to love. I love my Husband, to the ends of the earth. I am a 100% Momma's girl, who couldn't go a day with out her if i tried. I thought I knew that deep down, in your bones kind of love, but I learned so much more about that, when I became a mother. 
I think of all the relationships she has strengthened. My bond with my husband has been absolutely tested to the max, and we have never once wavered. He has stuck by me, when I have been the most disgusting version of myself. When I have been at rock bottom, he has stood strong and braved the storm. My relationship with my Mom is much the same, I have counted on her heavily, to drag me thru the dark days, to crawl up in my bed beside me, when I felt like I had finally reached the end of my rope. 

I have found a world of support since I lost her.

I have gained a best friend, the friendship I have found in the woman who photographed Leeona, is irreplaceable. Zelli wasn't a large part of my life before, and since then, she has become someone I hold close to my heart. My MIL says it's because I don't have to pretend around Zell, I don't have to try to be who I was before, as Zelli never knew that person. 

I wouldn't have the most amazing job imaginable if I had never been pregnant. I wouldn't have met Zell, I wouldn't know her the way I do, and she wouldn't have asked me to be a part of her company. Labor and Delivery Photography is something I have always wanted to do, and the only way that came into doing that for a living, was through my daughter. 
There are five lives out there, that my daughter was able to help continue living. There are tons of lives, that those organ recipients will touch. My daughter will keep spreading good, in the world, that way. 
I met women at the Mothers Milk Bank, who I cherish. 
The point is. This list is no where near as long as all the things I've missed out on. It doesn't even begin to compare. 
But it is pretty long. It's a list that matters. 
My Daughter has made so many points in my life better. 
Her Death is what has been difficult to handle, but that's not her problem. That's not enough, to wish she had never lived at all, even if it was only 40 weeks in my belly. I loved those months, I enjoyed 99% of those moments. 
Today, I remember to count my blessings. I remember that I gave birth to a Beautiful baby girl, and regardless of my pain. I am happy I did.. I got to see the Love in her fathers eyes, when he held her, even if there was pain too. And I got to see the Miracle that we could create together, and I will never, not for a moment, regret that.