Today should be a happy day, but unfortunately today is shadowed by anger for me. Today we got our test results back, our baby is happy, and healthy! There are no medical concerns, and a perfect heart rate... there is also a tiny penis growing. This is where my anger sneaks in.
BEFORE you tell me, yes, I KNOW, I WILL love this baby. I DO love this baby, I don't need your confirmation on that, however I am still disappointed. I am sad that another thing I looked forward to in my life is not going to happen.
I'm sad that we weren't able to raise Leeona. I'm sad that she will never wear tutus, or go to prom, and Matthew will never walk her down the isle. These are all things I looked forward to in my pregnancy with her, but were never able to happen. I never once thought this pregnancy would "replace" Leeona, however it has reminded me, that we may be able one day to do these things with a daughter. And now I mourn that loss again.
There will be a million things to look forward to when raising a boy. A million things I will dream of with him, but I haven't done that yet. When dreams you haven't dreamt yet are taken from you, it doesn't hurt as much. So when you find out your having a girl with your first pregnancy you don't mourn all the boy things, but when all the girl things are ripped from you twice, it's difficult.
This is another step in this crazy long process of grief. Another moment that makes you stop, and admit that your child is dead, and she will never come back. She was removed from this earth, and her life will never be lived. Regardless of the length of time, or the number of these moments you have, they always hurt. Regardless how many children I have, I should always have had one more, and I will never forget that. As a Mother, your heart doesn't get squished for space, rather with each child, you grow another heart for them. I have a heart that is Dedicated to my husband, I have a heart that is dedicated to My Leeona, and I am currently growing my heart belonging to my baby boy. Today my heart for Leeona is aching, again, and often. So please excuse my grumpy mood, and please refrain from telling me annoying things.
Please don't tell me to get over it; because I know, I WILL get over it, when I am good and damned ready. Please don't tell me "I KNEW IT WAS A BOY." Because news flash, we all did, I just held on to hope that it was a girl. Just please please please, let me grumpy, for a day, for two, for 10 if I want. I'm grieving a different part of my story, and thats just the way it is.