And then I went into labor, full term, and then, she died.
I never got to feel the rest, I never got to hold a warm baby. I never got to raise her, and I had many many, silent, sleepless nights. So I am glad, that I didn't listen to anyone, I didn't feed in to their begs to get me to complain with them, because I had a perfect nine months with a sweet little child living in my belly, and I don't regret a minute of it.
With all of that being said, I am ready for my pregnancy with Mitchell to be over. Please, please, do not tell me, that I need to slow down, that I need to enjoy the moments. I love the moments, I love them all. I know how precious, and what a privilege it is to have a little person inside of my body, who wiggles and moves, and dances for me constantly. I love it, and I love being pregnant with him, but I'm ready to hold my baby.
By the time I deliver this baby, I will have waited two and a half years, since my positive pregnancy test, to hold a child that is half me, and half my husband. Do not tell me, to wait, to slow down, because I am ready. I have waited longer than I should have to.
Of course, I had fantasized about having kids with Matthew for years, almost a decade. The last two years however, have been waiting for a promise I was given, that was then ripped from me.
Don't tell me I will miss it when I'm not pregnant anymore, I know I will miss the movement in my stomach, I know that more than most, probably more than you. I'll miss it, but I won't want to go back. I won't want to trade the feeling of a live and healthy baby in my arms for a child in my womb. You can say "You just wait, You will" All you want. But I won't. I would rather have never ever felt Leeona move inside my belly, if it means that I would get nine months with my living baby instead. I would take that trade any day. I promise you, that if you had lived my story; the thought of going back to the way it was while pregnant after delivering a healthy child would make you cringe.
Again, I will miss the feeling, but their isn't anything you could do that would make me think that the trade was remotely worth it.
I just don't want to be pregnant anymore...
The first thing I said to my husband when I met my daughter was "I'm so sorry" I want to have other words rolling off my tongue, or I want to be so overcome with happiness that I cannot speak.
So please, Don't tell me.
Don't give me advise.
Don't "remind" me to slow down.
I don't need it, I don't want it.
I've waited long enough, and I am just ready to have a sweet little one placed into my arms, because I deserve that, and my husband deserves that.