Wednesday, February 21, 2018

The Shower Before the Rainbow!

     We are so so close to welcoming our Little Rainbow Baby! Only 4-6 Weeks (Depending on my exact C section date) and we will have a little oneeee! On Sunday we celebrated with a from friends and family....
    IT WAS ADORABLE, Thanks to my mom and Jody, we had the cutest shower around! Our nursery is mountain and adventure theme, so we stuck with that and added in some woodland characters , and picnic style food and called it an adventure! It was so much fun, we got tons and tons of goodies for our little guy, seriously almost everything we needed! Thank you so much to everyone who brought a gift. Jody has been telling me thru my whole pregnancy not to buy too much until after the shower, and she was right! There are now very few things we have left to buy. And I cannot say thank you enough to the very very special people, who took their time to hand make me a gift. We have always been a very hand made, and craft family, and I know how much time and love that takes! Little Mitchell is soooo Loved already!


 Hat, booties and a diaper cover hand made By his Mammie Jo <3 

Hand made blanket that Jody ordered representing our Rainbow baby <3 
Hand made hat by Ms Morgan <3 

Little Owls Hand stitched my Mammie Jo <3 
Knitted Blanket, homemade by Ms. Morgan <3 

Mountains for his crib Pillows by Mammie Jo <3 

This AMAZING "rag" quilt that My jody made, thank you so much <3 It's perfect. 

Matching Boppy Pillow cover <3 

We left the shower filled our cars with our Goodies and headed home to make the TINY Nursery home for this little guy! 

Saturday, January 6, 2018

Do not tell me to "Slow down, & enjoy my pregnancy".

     I was a bubbly happy pregnant woman, with my daughter. I enjoyed every moment of it, there were only a small handful of people I ever complained to about my aches and pains. My husband, my then boss (who is also a friend), and a handful of close family members. In fact I went out of my way to make sure I didn't complain to others, I made sure that I was enjoying my pregnancy. I was spiteful of the people who would say "you just wait until".... There was always some awful experience that they just had to warn me of... Just wait until there is a foot in your rib, just wait until you start peeing yourself, just wait until contractions, labor, delivery, sleepless night. What ever it was, there was always someone there to tell you to snuff your happiness cause you're in for it. So I enjoyed it. I spent days rubbing my belly with creams, and anti stretch mark stuff, I took pictures weekly, I tried to slow time as my due date approached.  I just knew things would be so different once our little girl was here, and although I was okay with that, I knew I should soak it all in.

     And then I went into labor, full term, and then, she died.
      I never got to feel the rest, I never got to hold a warm baby. I never got to raise her, and I had many many, silent, sleepless nights. So I am glad, that I didn't listen to anyone, I didn't feed in to their begs to get me to complain with them, because I had a perfect nine months with a sweet little child living in my belly, and I don't regret a minute of it.

      With all of that being said, I am ready for my pregnancy with Mitchell to be over. Please, please, do not tell me, that I need to slow down, that I need to enjoy the moments. I love the moments, I love them all. I know how precious, and what a privilege it is to have a little person inside of my body, who wiggles and moves, and dances for me constantly. I love it, and I love being pregnant with him, but I'm ready to hold my baby.
      By the time I deliver this baby, I will have waited two and a half years, since my positive pregnancy test, to hold a child that is half me, and half my husband. Do not tell me, to wait, to slow down, because I am ready. I have waited longer than I should have to.
     Of course, I had fantasized about having kids with Matthew for years, almost a decade. The last two years however, have been waiting for a promise I was given, that was then ripped from me.
      Don't tell me I will miss it when I'm not pregnant anymore, I know I will miss the movement in my stomach, I know that more than most, probably more than you. I'll miss it, but I won't want to go back. I won't want to trade the feeling of a live and healthy baby in my arms for a child in my womb. You can say "You just wait, You will" All you want. But I won't. I would rather have never ever felt Leeona move inside my belly, if it means that I would get nine months with my living baby instead. I would take that trade any day. I promise you, that if you had lived my story; the thought of going back to the way it was while pregnant after delivering a healthy child would make you cringe.

    Again, I will miss the feeling, but their isn't anything you could do that would make me think that the trade was remotely worth it.

     I just don't want to be pregnant anymore...

 I want it to be March, and be full term, and have a screaming baby placed into my arms by my favorite nurses. I want my family to surround me in a hospital room, in the L&D wing, instead of the ICU. I want my family to have happy tears in their eyes, instead of tears of pain. I want to have other words when they walk in my room, instead of my body and mind being able to say nothing else to explain other than; "I'm Sorry".
     The first thing I said to my husband when I met my daughter was "I'm so sorry" I want to have other words rolling off my tongue, or I want to be so overcome with happiness that I cannot speak.

So please, Don't tell me.
Don't give me advise.
Don't "remind" me to slow down.
I don't need it, I don't want it.
I've waited long enough, and I am just ready to have a sweet little one placed into my arms, because I deserve that, and my husband deserves that.

Friday, December 29, 2017

It all started today....

     Today was the day I had had enough. I knew there was something different. Something with my body was off, abnormal. I made Matthew go to the store and buy a pregnancy test. A lady at Walmart caught him staring at the tests, she leaned in and said "Let me give you a hint, it doesn't matter which one you get, they all work the same." So, two years ago today, he came home with a couple of tests, and after dinner, when he had all but forgotten what he had brought home, I went into the bathroom and took the test. 
     We were young, I was 20, he was 21 and even though we lived together, both had decent jobs, I felt like I was doing something wrong. Like taking a pregnancy test was a taboo thing, I didn't mention to Matthew that that was the moment I was going to take the test. I opened the packaging as quietly as I could, as I foolishly didn't want him to hear, and know what I was doing. I read the directions, and did as they said... It said it could take up to three minutes, less than 10 seconds after taking the test there were two very clear lines. I was pregnant. No need to take another test, this one had just confirmed what I already knew. I walked out of the door, and turned to Matthew who was watching tv in the living room, still horrified, I said "Well, I'm pregnant".

     His reaction changed a little piece of who I was, although I didn't know it yet. He jumped up out of his chair, ran to me standing in the hallway, picked me up and spun me around. It was a little movie scene. Acting like we had just won the lottery ( which I still hadn't processed yet) When he put me down we walked into the bathroom, and he looked at the test. Sitting on the toilet lid, it hit me, and I started Bawling. Worrying about everything, how we would afford this, how we would figure out how to be parents, the fact that we weren't technically engaged yet, ( although I could see my engagement ring box from where I was sitting).


 The best thing about Matthew has always been how laid back he is. From day one, he was a perfect counter weight to me being so uptight. He walked me through it. He told me it would be okay, and that we could do this, and that I would be a great mom. He knelt beside my feet and let me put my head on his shoulder. I don't know how long i cried on him, but he never ever let up his light mood. He was so happy, and although this was not anywhere near our plan, or what we had pictured, he knew that this was the best thing that could have happened to us.
I can't believe all the things we have faced, and over come since then. I cannot beleive the test that our relationship has faced, and I can not believe the amount of love we have both grown for each other, and for both of our children.

Thanks for being the perfect thing to counter act my worries. I love you so much. Forever and always.