Do not tell me to "Slow down, & enjoy my pregnancy".

     I was a bubbly happy pregnant woman, with my daughter. I enjoyed every moment of it, there were only a small handful of people I ever complained to about my aches and pains. My husband, my then boss (who is also a friend), and a handful of close family members. In fact I went out of my way to make sure I didn't complain to others, I made sure that I was enjoying my pregnancy. I was spiteful of the people who would say "you just wait until".... There was always some awful experience that they just had to warn me of... Just wait until there is a foot in your rib, just wait until you start peeing yourself, just wait until contractions, labor, delivery, sleepless night. What ever it was, there was always someone there to tell you to snuff your happiness cause you're in for it. So I enjoyed it. I spent days rubbing my belly with creams, and anti stretch mark stuff, I took pictures weekly, I tried to slow time as my due date approached.  I just knew things would be so different once our little girl was here, and although I was okay with that, I knew I should soak it all in.

     And then I went into labor, full term, and then, she died.
   
      I never got to feel the rest, I never got to hold a warm baby. I never got to raise her, and I had many many, silent, sleepless nights. So I am glad, that I didn't listen to anyone, I didn't feed in to their begs to get me to complain with them, because I had a perfect nine months with a sweet little child living in my belly, and I don't regret a minute of it.



      With all of that being said, I am ready for my pregnancy with Mitchell to be over. Please, please, do not tell me, that I need to slow down, that I need to enjoy the moments. I love the moments, I love them all. I know how precious, and what a privilege it is to have a little person inside of my body, who wiggles and moves, and dances for me constantly. I love it, and I love being pregnant with him, but I'm ready to hold my baby.
      By the time I deliver this baby, I will have waited two and a half years, since my positive pregnancy test, to hold a child that is half me, and half my husband. Do not tell me, to wait, to slow down, because I am ready. I have waited longer than I should have to.
     Of course, I had fantasized about having kids with Matthew for years, almost a decade. The last two years however, have been waiting for a promise I was given, that was then ripped from me.
 
      Don't tell me I will miss it when I'm not pregnant anymore, I know I will miss the movement in my stomach, I know that more than most, probably more than you. I'll miss it, but I won't want to go back. I won't want to trade the feeling of a live and healthy baby in my arms for a child in my womb. You can say "You just wait, You will" All you want. But I won't. I would rather have never ever felt Leeona move inside my belly, if it means that I would get nine months with my living baby instead. I would take that trade any day. I promise you, that if you had lived my story; the thought of going back to the way it was while pregnant after delivering a healthy child would make you cringe.

    Again, I will miss the feeling, but their isn't anything you could do that would make me think that the trade was remotely worth it.

     I just don't want to be pregnant anymore...

 I want it to be March, and be full term, and have a screaming baby placed into my arms by my favorite nurses. I want my family to surround me in a hospital room, in the L&D wing, instead of the ICU. I want my family to have happy tears in their eyes, instead of tears of pain. I want to have other words when they walk in my room, instead of my body and mind being able to say nothing else to explain other than; "I'm Sorry".
     The first thing I said to my husband when I met my daughter was "I'm so sorry" I want to have other words rolling off my tongue, or I want to be so overcome with happiness that I cannot speak.

So please, Don't tell me.
Don't give me advise.
Don't "remind" me to slow down.
I don't need it, I don't want it.
I've waited long enough, and I am just ready to have a sweet little one placed into my arms, because I deserve that, and my husband deserves that.

Images; Zi Photography